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Are You a Bear?


Field Guide to the American Bear (Ursus Americanus)

Ursus Americanus is found all over the USA, and sub-species have beenspotted in virtually every corner of the world. Often camoflauged with 'work clothes' during the day, the bear's nature is revealed by behaviorat bear gatherings (see Bear Rendezvous in SF, Bear Pride in Chicago,OctobearFest in Denver, and others). During this phase, the bear'sgregariousness has been known to frighten tourists at the localesindicated.

Take this simple test to determine if you are a bear. Remember this is only a test; if this were an actual importantsomething, it wouldn't be on this page. Beardom is mostly male phenomena, so some of the questions may not be appropriate for females.

  1. Give yourself 5 points for each of the following: Beard, Moustache,Chest Hair, Back Hair
  2. Add 1 point each of beard or moustache is longer than 3"; 2 points each if longer than 6"
  3. Subtract 1 point for each Disco album or CD you own. You ar epermitted up to 3 albums total by the Village People, Donna Summer, orMadonna without penalty.
  4. Subtract 5 points for a subscription to GQ or any fashion magazine.
  5. Add 1 point each for subscriptions to Bear, American Bear, Drummer,Mach, Bulk Male. Add 5 points each to a max of 10 for subscriptions toField and Stream, American Woodworker, or any magazine that has hadRichard Carns on it's cover in the last year.
  6. Add 1 point for every night you slept in a tent or every 2 nightsyou spent in an RV in the last year, to a maximum of 10.
  7. Subtract 2 points if your idea of roughing it is a Holiday Inn witha broken TV.
  8. Add 1 point for each pair of blue jeans and each flannel shirt youown to a maximum of 5, excluding any with designer labels.
  9. Subtract 1 point for each item you have that you bought from International Male that still fits, to a maximum of 5.
  10. Add 1 point for every 10 pounds (4.5 Kg) overweight you are to amaximum of 7. Should you exceed 7 points in this area, we direct you toyour local G and M chapter.

Scoring (the test)

Since this is a test, it must have a score. Todetermine your score, use the following guide:
If your score is greater than 15, you may be a bear.
If your score is greater than 35, you probably live in a zoo.
If your score is greater than 50, e-mail me.


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This page, and all contents, are Copyright (C) 1996 by Steve Heyl, Denver, CO, USA.

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